Reflection

Today was a beautiful, restful, refreshing day-- exactly the kind of day I needed to regroup from the frustrations and doubts I felt yesterday.

Sra. de la Rosa left me at the house in the morning. She took Elena to another doctor's appointment, this time to take a look at some trouble she's had hearing over the years. The two ended up getting caught up at the doctor's and then at the church for most of the day. This left me time to rest, read, pray, write-- everything I love, everything I needed to regain a sense of confidence in why I am here.

I've begun to re-read two very valuable, insightful books to me: Henrey Nouwen's In the Name of Jesus and Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Life Together. Both spoke volumes to me and really met me where I was this morning. Nouwen's words encouraged me once again to let go of my need to be relevant, and to own my identity as God's child apart from my accomplishments/abilities/talents. I needed to hear that my identity rests solely on God's great love for me, because if left solely to my relevance here in Winchester, I'm afraid I wouldn't be worth too much. It's so difficult having a language barrier to confront; not only do I feel inadequate at the church working with parents, but also at home-- Sra. de la Rosa's son and daughter-in-law are both deaf, so I spend much of my time around them smiling like an idiot, wishing I could ask them questions, hear stories, but feeling completely limited by my lack of knowledge and skill as far as Sign Language goes. The beautiful thing, though, is that God is forcing me to deal with this need I have to be relevant by making me completely irrelevant. I literally have nothing to rely on here other than my vulnerable self whose presence I offer and hope, in turn, the community will accept and affirm simply because I, like them, am God's.

And you know, so far they have. Everyone has made me feel so welcome and accepted. Naomi, Sr. de la Rosa's daughter-in-law, sat across the table from me for an hour and asked me questions, helped me sign, read my lips when I had trouble. And when we had nothing to say to each other she just sat and smiled at me, showing me that she understood and didn't blame me for not knowing more, for feeling uncomfortable, for sitting and smiling awkwardly back at her.

On top of having to grow, and having to accept that my worth rests not in the things I can do, the tasks I can preform, the facts I can spout off in a meeting or class or crowd, God has given me a yearning for God's presence and assurance that I have not felt in a long while. Feeling so insecure throughout the day has caused me to cling to the moments I spend in prayer and devotion, the moments I feel completely affirmed, adequate, accepted. Bonhoeffer says righteousness must always come from outside ourselves, from God's Word spoken to us, and I'm learning, at rapid speed, the truth of this insight. My adequacy will never come from myself because I will never be able to be all things for all people, will never be able to be perfect or all-knowing at any one thing (can't believe it took me 21 years to figure that one out..) So really, the only place to look is to God, to Christ, to the one who created all things, looked upon all things, looked upon me, and said, "It is good."

Trusting in that voice of love and affirmation is the most challenging, most beautiful thing I've yet to do, and it has become even more of a challenge and even more of a joy since I've arrived here in Winchester and been thrown out of my comfort zone and onto a path I've never traveled before. Pray that I find endurance for this incredible journey God is leading me on.

Until Tomorrow,

Nicole