Frustration

In the spirit of Anne Lamott, (whom I've been reading lately) I'll be blunt: yesterday was frustrating.

I'm not used to working 12-hour days, not good at saying no, not used to the foods here, not comfortable with the language, not connected with Jeff (his phone has been broken for the past 3 days and I'm missing out on Ichthus, and the arrival of his CDs, and anything else exciting that I've yet to hear about). The introvert in me is still figuring out how to be around people all day long and not be entirely worn out (especially because I'm working alongside a 60-year-old woman who has diabetes and is in remission from cancer and who seems to have more energy and a greater capacity to give than I can seem to muster up). I'm not used to feeling inadequate, insecure, or just down right dumb.

So there's my vent session, Anne. (I think you'd be proud, though you may have sprinkled it with some curse words or other unforseen offenses had you been the one typing).

As good as it feels to get all that out, I want to be clear: It's not that I'm not excited or grateful to be here, I am, wholeheartedly, but I'm still getting adjusted to life in Winchester, still getting acquainted with the different cultures that surround me, still learning to be comfortable in someone else's home, in someone else's community, as part of someone else's life.

I do think God is teaching me to stop being so ridiculously independent. I'm used to being able to rely on myself in so many different areas of my life-- now I have to rely on others for just about everything: food, transportation, direction, scheduling, the ability to communicate with the people around me. I think the need for so much dependence just hit me all at once yesterday and left me feeling incredibly frustrated and inadequate in certain regards.

I love that Pastora Martha asks me to jump in and participate even if I am not entirely prepared to do the things she asks of me. Like yesterday, she had me calling homes of people who strictly speak Spanish, telling them about the summer program, and asking them to come to the church to register their children. Okay, not that hard of a task, IF I UNDERSTOOD/SPOKE VERY MUCH SPANISH! After a few calls I got my end of the conversation polished up nicely-- I knew how to say what I wanted to say-- but I certainly wasn't prepared for the fast-paced tongues flying back at me on the other end with questions, comments, concerns, none of which I understood or had even the faintest idea how to respond to.

I think I'm just used to your typical American culture. Everywhere I've ever worked or volunteered, we've valued efficiency. Get the most qualified person to do the job, and the class/business/program will run smoothly, the customers will be satisfied, and everyone will go home feeling good about themselves. Well, apparently Sra. de la Rosa has a different view of how things should be run here at Amor y Paz. She involves everyone, well-equipped or not, asks all to contribute, to participate, even if it means leaving our comfort zones, feeling insecure, making fools of ourselves.

I guess I'm just in the process of learning how to be a fool and be okay with it.