More Thoughts on Homesickness

After a few hours in Panera, first with Harry, and then with my sister playing internet Scrabble, I was beginning to feel a bit better.

I called home in the morning, explaining that I was feeling homesick. Mom quickly assured me they were doing nothing fun or exciting (an attempt to make me feel better about being far away, and though it didn't distinguish my feelings of loneliness, it did make me love my mom all the more for it.)

Natalie quickly got on the telephone and asked if I wanted to play a game of Scrabulous with her (Facebook's version of Scrabble for those who aren't as thoroughly in love with the game as I am..)

Playing with her, focusing on beating her, and typing little messages of rivalry to her while I drank my chai tea latte in Panera definitely lifted my spirits some. In that moment I was so thankful for family, so thankful for the ways they can come through and be there for you even from miles away. I'm also so thankful for the nudgings at my heart God has provoked lately, the nudgings which have caused me to reach out and allow my family to be there for me, to provide love and assurance for me in real, tangible ways, especially when I need them most.

So Scrabulous was good. Then I went home and heard Martha's family all around me again-- cooking, laughing, joking-- so I pulled Harry back out of my bag, curled up on my bed, and ate about three portions of this chocolate snack mix I discovered at Walmart (quite good, though I don't recommend three portions' worth.)

It's so odd. I KNOW Martha would love to have me join her and her family-- there is just something inside me that wants to give her family time, that wants to allow her to cherish her daughter and son-in-law and not feel like she has to make sure I'm having a good time/understanding despite the language barriers/etc.

And so I'm staying here, locked up in my room, reading my book, feeling very alone, very isolated, wishing I had something to do, someone to visit with, somewhere to go. I think one of the things I hate worst is feeling like a burden, or even risking to put myself in the position in which I could potentially feel like a burden.

In a way, then, this whole missionary experience has been quite good for me-- it has caused me to be a "burden" 24/7-- I am dependent on the people here for food, housing, transportation, guidance at work, and just about everything else under the sun.

It's been very hard for me at times, but I think I have gotten better at the whole dependency thing over time. I think today is just a small relapse-- in light of the holiday, and of Martha's family coming in town, I've really wanted to get out of the way and give her some time to do her own thing again, to have a weekend in which she can do things as she would before she agreed to be a host and temporary mother-figure for me for the summer.

Who knows, perhaps tomorrow the sun will be shining, (it's been a stormy, nasty day, which is the reason I've decided not to go into D.C. or to try to explore anywhere else) and perhaps I'll hear from my fellow interns, and perhaps I'll be able to spend a day of much needed independence in the city. Or maybe I won't get my day of independence, and I'll learn, even further, the joys and benefits of allowing others to make room for you in their lives and to care for you even when you feel as though you're burdening them.

Either way, I know tomorrow, and the next day, and the rest of my journey here and beyond, holds many lessons. (I just hope I don't make a habit of downing three portions of chocolate mix as I learn them!)

Paz y Amor Mis Amigos y Mi Familia,

Nicole